Thursday, 24 November 2011


All has been quiet on the western front for a while. The reason comes in the form of a gaggle of 10 or so "chavs" who viciously attacked just over half of Blue Screen at the beginning of October.

The resultant injuries included (but were not limited to) an egg shaped lump on Merchandise man (and Shove it Video Star) Jeremy's head, six stiches in Steve's face and a broken collar bone for Paul (putting him out of bass playing action for a couple of months, but not limiting his ability to play fantasy RPG computer games).

I feel at this point it is important to emphasise that this attack was entirely unprovoked. There were not even any words of warning or goading uttered by the assailants. They just skipped straight to the violence (insert your own comparison joke about the U.S. and U.K. starting wars involving oil).

One of the very first exchanges involved Jeremy being punched in the head by (presumably) the ring leader; a man in his late 30s early 40s. Quite what a chap of this age was doing "hanging out" with a group of teenagers is questionable. Presumably he merely had some time to kill between queueing for his dole cheque and beating his pregnant girlfriend.

Upon receiving the blow (snigger), Jeremy proceeded to demonstrate his speed and agility and swiftly "cheesed it". It's clear to see which way his "flight or fight" response swings.

Many of the gang were armed with empty bottles. Paul had recently started taking Ju-Jitsu self defence classes and just that week had been studying the art of defending oneself from assault with a bottle. However, being in the early stages of the martial art, they had only practiced fending off attack from a right handed individual. Of course, the young man who eventually thumped Paul in the head with a bottle was left handed.

Various other cuts, bumps and bruises were sustained as you might imagine. The resultant swelling in Steve's cheeks, coupled with the lumps on his forehead left him looking like a cross between the Elephant Man and Marlon Brando's Godfather.

The police say that the CCTV in the area is "too dark" to be used. After 200,000 years of homo-sapiens inhabiting this planet, you'd have thought we might have come to deal better with the event that happens at the end of every day in which it gets dark. They also report that the bottle they took for fingerprinting does not present strong enough evidence. Granted I know less about forensic science than I do about night-time, so I shall restrain my frustration on this matter.

Therefore, it seems that justice is unlikely to be done. Bloody marvellous. If I were a multi-millionaire I would consider going to Asia for a while to train to become a vigilante. However, I'm not. I'm just a schmuck who ain't very good at fighting.

What have we all learned from this experience? The answer is clear; unless you're on at least week eight of Ju-Jitsu training, never trust anyone who's left-handed.

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