Beware the paradox

This is a blog about a blog...

BSoD frontman, and general silly sausage, Steve a.k.a. "Smeghead Steve" has written a blog about some bands which you may or may not have heard of, but are good-to-the-max.

You can have a read here:

http://www.designermagazine.org/FourBandsThatWillBreakYourBalls.htm

The search for a drummerer has begun...

Obviously, after Pete's departure, we are left without a full band. Suffice to say that, if I were a Panda right now, I would be a sad Panda.

But there is no point crying over spilled caramel (this is a vague attempt at "satire".  Ideally, I would have preferred there to have been a major oil slick in the last few days which I could have referenced at this point, but I had nonesuch luck), so we shall pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and begin trying to find someone that can sit behind us when we play music and make a lot of noise.

For some reason, the type of “people” that like to hit things with sticks, latin name Drummi drummerus are often a very rare breed. They fall into two main categories, each with their own strengths and “areas for improvement”.

Rain Man

These drummers will often posses a high level of intelligence pitched against a high level of social anxiety and awkwardness. For this reason they are often solitary creatures, preferring the company of innate concepts, such as “time” and “knowledge”, rather than human interaction. Meticulous and methodical in their approach, they are often perfectionists.  Practice will come naturally to them and they will thrive in this environment.

Sergeant Bash

In it for the party. Popular and cool, these guys will bring people to shows, post things on the facebook and give gnarly interviews, however, they are prone to oversleeping and under-practicing and may well “forget to turn up” to the odd thing, like a gig. They can often be spotted by their propensity to wear “sunglasses” or “hats” or other such fashion accessories*, and may well posses painted skin, which I believe the kidz call “tatoos”.

Of course, a history of inbreeding has led to hybrid drummers emerging, with a mixture of characteristics from both species. Depending on their dominant defining attributes they will either be known as “Sergant Man” or “Rain Bash”.

So, I guess the question is; do Blue Screen want a Rain man, a Sergeant Bash, or an inbetweenie? To be honest, at this precise second, if someone told me Idi Amin had risen from his grave, moved to Southampton, become a badass drummer and was looking to join a rock band with some subtle stoner rock influences, I would say “Deal Noel” without a second's hesitation. Not even stopping to ask myself the question “Why am I speaking to Noel Edmonds?”.**

*Although both Sunglassess and hats have functional purposes, in this instance they will generally be exhibited as fashion accessories due to the circumstances and manner in which they are utilised. For example, sunglasses at night time, or the occurrence of the same hat many times, regardless of the prevailing weather conditions.

**Of course, this is NOT true. I would never play in a band with the reanimated corpse of Idi Amin. Apart from the fact that he was a horrible man, I wouldn't play in a band with him because I'm a massive racist. Sieg Heil etc.***

***It irritates me that I am not bold enough to make that statement for comic effect without this qualifying rebuttal. Obviously, I am not a racist. In fact, I'm extremely liberal. I would go so far as to say fanatically liberal. I can and will break promises (specifically relating to tuition fees) willy nilly. There we are. I did it. I achieved "satire". Thank you, and good night.

And then there were three...

For those who don't know, Pete Davis*, BSoD lead guitarist is, as of last night, no longer the BSoD lead guitarist.

Being in a band is very much like being in a relationship. Except, in our case, without the sex. Therefore, being in a band is very much like being in a relationship, but without the good bits.

Breaking up a band is remarkably similar to the end of a relationship. Except without the sex. There are tears, anger, regret, paranoia etc. and maybe just a little bit of sex.

It's like being on a roller coaster of emotion. On this roller coaster you are sat on the middle seat. You think to yourself "they've clearly made an effort to make these roller coaster seats comfortable, but is the large, potentially testical-crushing bulge between my legs really necessary?". 

On one side of you sits the Drill Sergeant from“Full Metal Jacket” undermining and belittling you in increasingly imaginative ways.  On the other side is Wesley Snipes with his sharp hair cut who is glaring at you from behind his sunglasses and repeatedly growling the phrase “use it”.  Then, when the ride is finally over, you get off only to be confronted by Vinnie Jones, who says nothing, but kicks you in the testicles (which, ironically, you had carefully avoided crushing on the roller coaster seat) before running off. You think you can hear him giggling to himself as he goes, but then again, somebody running and laughing would sound almost exactly the same as somebody running and crying.

Today I feel numb. This may or may not be related to the fact that I am cold because I am wearing nothing but pants, but then the reason I am wearing nothing but pants is because I feel numb. It's a chicken and egg situation. A big 'orrible chicken, laying an egg so mutated that it looks remarkably like masterchef host, Greg Wallace.

In difficult times like these, I feel it is important that we look at the bigger picture, and take a minute to remind ourselves just how much of a twat Greg Wallace, masterchef host, really is. He's a big 'orrible chicken twat giving birth to a disgusting egg that is so mutated it looks remarkably like masterchef host, Greg Wallace.

I feel it maybe time for me to metaphorically and literally, but mainly literally, put some clothes on.

*I misread this as "Pete Davis" live at Twin Towers.  I feel I should point out that there are FIVE volumes of this toss, and each CD is priced at $28, NOT INCLUDING POSTAGE.  I can only presume that Pete is no longer in Blue Screen because he is buying himself a small island somewhere with profits from these albums, but I sincerely hope that he does not make any more.